La Musique

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I find church such a haven.

I wonder what God's calling is for me. Am I not in tune enough? Even when I play the piano for God, it's all conflicting emotions. Half of me wants to play so badly, to use something I can do to glorify God, and the other half just wants to wilt of anxiety and premature stage fright? It's like knowing you can do something, and you want to do it, but there's always someone better, more willing to do it, and you're unsure of what step to take.

I want to be a missionary, I want to work with kids. Or a music intern like what Auntie Marilyn once was. To be able to devote my entire life to God, could I, am I? Sometimes I think that's why I lack ambition. Even when people around me say my grades are so good or whatever, or if I'll be something so great in the future, the absence of the desire to achieve will never lead me anywhere noble. Occasionally I have thought, "Am I lacking ambition so that God can use me?"

The uncertainty is pervading. Like the emptiness of a hollow.
I think I'm grasping for the intangible. But it's something we do all the time.

9:28 PM