It takes you by quite the surprise. Like an unsurprising surprise that resurfaces at the most inappropriate of times. I think I knew it was still there. Somehow, no matter how futilely I tried to suppress it. Instead of unearthing it by its roots, I merely snipped off a bloom or two and trimmed its crown. Maybe I did not want to let it go. I did not cling on to it for you, I clung on for the sake of clinging on. Convincing oneself is utter idiocy. And I mean idiocy in every aspect of the word. So when that familiar feeling shoved itself free from its smouldering remnants and surged up from the depths of my soul, I let it soar free, for a twang of my heartstrings, before yanking it regretfully by its newfound wings. And yet I still relish the heartache and yearning as it brushed past, like a dying star and its trail of transient stardust.
8:27 PM
Monday, March 30, 2009
'65 Love Affair by Paul Davis I fall for oldies all the time...
8:04 PM
Oh man, my mom is sharper than I thought. I am in trouble...
12:43 AM
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I love Saturdays and Sundays... I REALLY love rainy Saturdays and Sundays... I love the time I spend in church...
YZ 10th Anniversary is this Saturday!!! There is SO MUCH to prepare and I feel bad for Yi En because she's like handling everything sorry! *Vera, learn to take more initiative* But it's funn! I think anticipation is better than the actual thing itself.
Ernest tore a ligament in his ankle today during puppet practice. *I didn't know that there were ligaments in our ankles* I was at such a loss as to what to do. Random thoughts like "oh put ice" and "lift his leg up" weren't very helpful, I couldn't even tell if it was a dislocation, a fracture, a sprain or a twist. I am such a terrible sister sigh. Haha. And at home when he wanted to move from the sofa to the dining table, he asked me to carry him and I gladly obliged...yet while carrying him (with all my strength) he said "Eh Zhei, I'm 1 cm off the ground." *should have dropped him there and then*
And I cut my hair today! I actually reached the shop, and the lady was like "nono, we are closed already" but my mom pleaded so I became the last customer of the night. And I think I cannot cut my hair at saloons that make me wait forever because I'll change my mind halfway and decide not to cut my hair at all haha! I get very stressed when I cut my hair lalala. My dad said he couldn't tell I cut my hair -.- He says that everytime...
Stuff to do: Buy planner. Get a jacket. Settle photog accounts & shirt. Settle anni stuff. Settle BS time. Finish filing. Write notes. Remind about playmax. Fix prayer meeting lunch. Reschedule support singing. Pack my room (haha this looks familiar)
Stuff I look forward to doing: Eat IKEA ice-cream with my pet! Cycling with brother... Watch Suspect X & Detroit Metal City! Sleepover! Playing piano! Anniversaryyy! Walking in the rain *ahem* Baking *coughbrowniecough*
Haha listing it just makes me happy.
9:33 PM
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Aloevera loves SFIC...
11:53 PM
random thought
I think one day I'll compose a song for God. For his goodness and faithfulness in my life... Yet it would be difficult to string a melody, So alluring, so poignant, so rich in meaning... Maybe that's why worship is from the heart, And true worshippers worship in spirit and in truth.
11:03 PM
Thursday, March 26, 2009
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God.
What a beautiful prayer! To pray with the triumphant end in mind.
10:41 PM
Monday, March 23, 2009
I saw a rainbow on Saturday!
It excited me, then proceeded to confuse me. I always envisioned rainbows against the brilliant blueness of the sky, with velvety wisps of white clouds wandering around rather randomly and aimlessly... with the stark, bright reds oranges yellows greens blues indigos glowing in their own unique way. Yet what I saw was a greyish-blue sky, solemn in its dark hue, and the rainbow itself did not gleam or glow, but hung there silently, its colours almost blending into each other. The first thought that came to mind - a sad rainbow. I think I like this more poignant aspect of rainbows...
Rainbows are God's promises to us! And promises speak of love and trust and everything in a friendship.
9:48 PM
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Sometimes they say trains run out of steam. I woke up today and wondered who my driver is. Train station is closed for repairs.
I dont think my heart can stand for this. Why is it so, so, so, difficult... No time to cry either...
7:05 PM
Saturday, March 21, 2009
T h a n k y o u .
12:36 AM
Friday, March 20, 2009
silly memories
hugs
first cabin
mrt trains
pets
chicken pox
drawing on hands
not letting go
sweets
porridge
chinese characters
tears
fears
misbehaving
silliness
加油!
The Lord's
paper bags
misses
time
joy!
1:17 AM
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Piano fast starts today!
SCARED
11:00 AM
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Colossian 1: 16-17 "For by him all things were created; things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together."
Aloevera thinks: Without God life makes no sense. Everything exists because of God, everything exists for God. Hmm. Without God, everything would just be meaningless because it has lost its purpose - to glorify God. Everytime I remember that I'm a child of God, part of his family, I think part of me goes insane with delight and starts to think of doing really weird things. Haha. It's an inner joy and assurance in knowing I belong to something greater, that makes me shiver in pure happyness. Yayyy! I get so happy just typing about it! And now I can't control my smiles... If only I could always always always remember this... every second, every single moment and instant that I'm alive...
11:11 PM
If one day we all just woke up in heaven it would be wonderful. I think it would be easier and more straightforward to love there, because God is love, and we love because He first loved us.
2:00 AM
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
uncomfortable thoughts
I was just pondering over it last night.
How important the grade8 practical exam this friday is for me. If I pass it, it would quite mean the end of my professional piano studies. I might miss it, in a warped kind of way, because I know I don't plan to take diploma.
If I fail it, it would mean...I would have to learn the whole new syllabus, because the registration date for the exam later this year is past already, so I can't just retake the exam in August. And learning the whole new syllabus would take me another year, and I'll probably have to spend another (12 x $260) + $300plus, on my piano lesson and exam fees. I don't think I would want to prolong my parents' financial burden another year or so. And with As coming up... I don't want to think...
Which is why I must pass. Vera, you will. You haven't failed any yet. But there's a first time for everything. And you know how easily you slip into panic mode in these sort of situations. I won't. I will not. I simply cannot afford to. Dear God, please let me pass.
9:55 AM
Monday, March 16, 2009
Funny how it's the people you love That God sends from above.
10:49 PM
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Youth Sunday! The first service was disastrous! I was getting ready to play "Who Am I", when I heard Lynn's last words - In Christ Alone - so I thought that "In Christ Alone" came first, and I played the intro for it only to realise that she intended to sing "Who Am I"! So I panicked, spent like forever looking for the chords... and there is this ominous silence as the flustered pianist searches for the chords of the song. Oh how I wished the carpeted ground below me would open up obligingly and swallow me, grand piano and all. My bumbility did not end there. I think my intro for "In Christ Alone" was too obscure, so it didn't really lead the congregration in properly - should have rectified it! And "Hosanna" didn't sound very tight with the band... the congregration was lagging quite a bit behind the drums.
The second service was comparatively much much much better... now that we had gone through all the mistakes with the first service -.- Haha. Which is WHY people like Auntie Corrinne and Aunty Ern Chi can come up and tell me it wasn't bad, oh if ONLY they were around for the first service... they would be coming up to kill me! But I guess like what WX says, musicians shouldn't focus too much on all the small technical stuff and forget who we're worshipping - GOD! <3
Oh I had the chance to talk to Deborahhh today! *HUGS* Stop going for camps and go out with me! Then I carried Gavriel!!!!!! He is SO SMALL SO CUTE SO FRAGILE I wish he was a bit more solid so I can hug him more properly! JEALOUS of Gaius who kisses him openly in front of me!!! WHy don't I have a baby brother! And Yien thought he was shitting because he was making constipated squeaks so we brought him to Pastor Kien Seng's office only to find that he probably farted or something which would explain the stink hmmmm.
Children's choir... my parents forgot to bring my flute so I basically teased the kids haha. Not very helpful... especially when I was nodding off.. I almost fell off the cupboard ledge haha! And the kids saw me.. which wasn't exactly the most flattering thing a teacher/helper can do.
Puppet practice!!! I was so tired by then, my puppet hardly had any energy to cry or talk or sing and I realise all the monsters more or less sing OUT OF TUNE so Teacher Beng Choo is really worried about it and asking me to do something about it but I'm not a music teacher how can I make (tonedeaf) people sing in tune?! Okay I think the girls like Minwei and Hannah are okay, but the guys are a totally different matter...
It was raining Veras and koalas by then... but I still went down to Far East to meet WanXiang to buy a jacket! Haha. Half my pants was soaked by then and WX does NOT take good care of her guitar!!! HAHA! If you see this TAKE NOTE! We just walked about and talked a lot of random stuff haha I think we all need these sporadic periods of pure randomness in our lives. I didn't get a jacket though : ( yeah WX I'm too picky haha! Then dinner at Raffles City which was funny because the dinner topic was SO not appropriate for our appetites... and WX is so hilarious! She drank the drink halfway, then stopped and offered it to me okay it doesnt sound amusing here but it was at that point of time. Long... LONG bus ride home... it's like the third night in a row that I've gone home with her haha. 970 yay!
Wow this post is long and ranty. I don't usually blog like this... but I just have an urge to do so today. For people who complain that I don't blog enough about my daily life! But it's my first time playing in Youth Sunday so it's quite important to me. :)
9:53 PM
Saturday, March 14, 2009
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above” - James 1:17 .
Reflecting back on this week.. I think it's during my toughest, most stressful period that God shows me his love that shines for me so brightly and warmly for me. Almost every night, when I sink into *despair* mode, someone would call (missedcallstoo), someone would sms, someone would tag my blog. I received prayers via sms, via msn, even on the phone..
God's sent me many angels to look after me! And when I was flipping through my prayer journal, I realised that every night this week, I had someone to thank God for!
11:39 PM
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
[X]General Paper [X]Economics [X]Literature [X]Piano Grade 8 Theory Exam [X]Youth Sunday Band Practice [X]Youth Sunday (i really need to practice!)
Dear God, please let me survive this week. PANIC ATTACKS EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK. Every morning and night I am overwhelmed by a sense of dread. It's mentally and spiritually draining! I want to hug someone! Thank you Serene and Brother :)
I can't control my feelings. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Maybe I'll wait for the day I become so jaded and tired of love, or the lack of it, that I will just mutilate and destroy my ability to. Then maybe FINALLY things will make so much more sense in this stupid tangled twisted warped world of emotions and feelings. imagine a world not dictated by our relationships. how wondrous. how lovely. how unimaginable. but oh how unreachable. dear God, i really am insane. was i made this way or was it __? Feelings shoudn't have a voice. They should be mute and stuffed deep down under my soul where they pose only a slight discomfort, but have no way to take over the world. My world. Okay not mine. God's. : /
7:03 PM
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Missing you...
Definition: Want, feel a loss Synonyms: Crave, desire, long, wish. yearn, pine
When we talk of missing someone, I guess what we really mean is that they're missing in our hearts.
9:15 PM
Friday, March 6, 2009
What is worry? Sheesh. It's something that makes you all panicky! Frustrated, teary, distraught... Tense, lost, fearful... Worry is usually directed inwards It's a pain that's best endured alone And I think I violated that today Worry takes the words out of your mouth, The text out of your smses, The prayers out of your heart, It makes one wish you were that person, So you can take the torment out of their lives. Worry is best placed in God's hands, For tomorrow will take care of itself, And He works for the good of all those who love Him. It's not easy to let go of it... We seem to want to cling so tightly onto it Why are we so foolish????? Why do we hold onto worry instead of God's grace? Our worry is most certainly not sufficient for us, We are all learning to put our hope in You. I guess worry is an expression of love, And perhaps that is why love hurts. But I will have you know I love you You idiot, I love you so so so much... And that is why I worry, Can I love you without worrying?
8:44 PM
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I wanted to spend more time with you...
Funny how eight words can make me so so so happy! Thank u haha! Stop covering your face!
11:49 PM
Monday was really bad. It was so, so bad, I was doing my music homework in tears. As much as I enjoy music, the double pressure of practical and theory exam clashing with my blocks is starting to take its toll on me. I really cannot practice two hours everyday, finish two whole theory papers every week I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO STOP TIME FOR A WHILE. And walk in th rain. And hug kungfu panda and wall e and stitch.
Sorry ranting. I'm okay now. :)
7:32 PM
Sunday, March 1, 2009
In God's eyes, love is never absent. In God's heart, forgiveness is never impossible. In God's embrace, no one is ever alone or forgotten. He is my God.
11:10 PM
pits and pats
Pit. Pat. Pit. Pat. Pitter. Patter. Pitter. Patter. Pitter patter. Pitter patter. Pitter patter pitter patter. Pitter pitter patter patter. Pittery pattery. Pitters and patters. Pit pat. Pit pat. I love rain. I love heavy rain. I love heavy rain with thunder and lightning. I adore heavy rain with thunder and lightning that makes me unable to see anything but want to run out and lose myself in the sky's tears. One day I will sing and dance in the falling rain. It's a p r o m i s e .
10:37 PM
Can someone kidnap me?
I feel a familiar sense of dread and panic welling up in me again. I really am insane... Scared :(((