La Musique

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Hi Joyce.

I feel a bit self-conscious blogging now because I know you'll read it haha. I thought about what you said. About mature love. And came to the conclusion that I must still be a child. I'm sure you know, that when you love too easily, you hurt easily too. And it happens time and time again, until I begin to dread loving. I wonder if my love changes everytime. It may shrink a little after every betrayal, curl up on itself in the face of disappointment, or perhaps lower itself when it hopes too high. And after every time I tell myself it's the last time that I'll ever love so much, and I know that I'm lying to myself. It's difficult to let go, but I'm learning.

I wonder how God feels... loving us with his amazing and unconditional love, while there are some of us who do not love him, some of us who try to love him, some who betray him repeatedly, hurt him, make him angry and disappointed, some who even pretend he does not exist. Are we any different from the Israelites, turning away from him even after being chosen by his grace?

Honestly it seems easier to love God than the people around us. It hurts less at least. It may be a different kind of love I suppose - between creation and its Creator, the love of a family, the love between best friends.

I don't want to love anymore Joyce. : ( But I know its a lie. I'll just fall in love and in love and in love every single stupid time. Maybe I'll tie a lifeline around myself so that I don't fall too hard and too deeply, till the point I cannot climb out of this pit lined with roses. I may attach this line to God, so that if one day my heart is in my pocket, cold and impenetratable, God's love will burn a slow fire and warm it again so that my heart will hurt and begin to love again.

9:29 PM